glad that's over

I can't tell you how hard it was for me to hold everything together yesterday. I don't know why--I should be getting used to this. After all, this was my 4th Mother's Day spent hoping that next year might be THE year. Except I know it won't. And I didn't spend it hoping, exactly. We're not even doing IVF until January. Granted, if I'm actually lucky enough to get pregnant during that IVF, we will have much reason to celebrate but it still sucks. I have stopped doing the whole, "next year at this time, I will have a baby in my arms...or in my tummy." It's pointless.

So yesterday was spent pretty much in a state of depression until J got home from work. I laid in the hammock and got some sun, I laid on the couch and tried to find some non-Mother's Day-related tv to watch. I cuddled my dogs. And then he got home and I had to start getting ready for his parents to come over. He brought me home a card from the dogs which made me cry. Then he got me a rosebush, also from my dogs, which made me cry. Then I got in the shower and cried some more. Then I had to get my act together and celebrate with his mom.

I'm glad it's over. I wish I had more of a reason to have hope. And I wish I had a relationship with my mom that could be celebrated on Mother's Day. Pretty much, my sentiments haven't changed since my letter to Mother's Day yesterday.