wishing

A few updates. 1st, and most importantly, my sister does NOT have cancer!! The bad part is that she is at the last stage before it gets to be cancer, but it is NOT. I can't even allow myself to go there. It's good news, for sure. But the thought of even the slightest possibility that she won't be with me forever just sends me into a tailspin. I would die.

In other news, I took a test. No surprise that it was -. I'm on CD 28 so I'm thinking it should have showed up + if I was. But nope.

Oh, and to top everything off, I got a call last night from a good friend who was calling to tell me that "XX would be a big brother soon!" While I am over the moon excited for them because the timing is perfect, I am sad for us. They started trying a few months AFTER we did and now they're on #2. Technically, someone could have had 3 babies by now in the time that we have been trying. I think I'm in for another round of tons of friends being pregnant becuase it kind of comes in waves. :( for us, :) for them.

So this, coupled with the emotions surrounding my sister mean that I am a very emotional girl today. Have been tearing up at every cute picture and any other random thing online. I've been thinking a lot. Wishing a lot.

..I wish that I had a mom who gave 2 shits to know what was going on in my life.
..or a dad, for that matter.
..I wish that my sister didn't have to be my mom. She's my only rock, aside from dh.
..I wish that my parents could learn a thing or two from my in-laws.
..I wish that we didn't have so much hope.
..I wish that I didn't have this yearning.
..I wish I could just forget it all, travel the world with my amazing husband, save a crapton of money and give it all to my nephews.
..I wish I hadn't eaten that giant chocolate chip ice cream sandwich.

...BUT none of those are the case. I have parents who never have and never will know what it means to have unconditional love for their children, who will never once think to put their children first, think to call their children to see how things are going, to see if they need support, or love, or..you know, to even wish them a happy birthday for fuck's sake. I wouldn't be that kind of parent. I do hope and I do have this stupid yearning to carry my own baby, OUR baby. I can't forget it all.

And...for the record, I DID eat that damned cookie. It was NOT worth it.

So ready to move forward...but it looks like we've got another month of limbo ahead of us because J's brother will be in town and I don't feel like dealing with shots and meds and all that jazz while they're here. Sad day. Sorry for the rant. I really do try to keep a pretty positive outlook on things. Sometimes the beast just gets you, ya know?