seriously, 2009, you can suck my right one.

I can't tell you how incredibly happy I am to see this horrid year end. Let's just recap a few of the sucky, crappy things that happened this year:

• Well, the bad year started off last Christmas eve, technically. That night, we had a huge blowout and to put things simply, our mom is no longer in our lives. She leads a dangerous lifestyle and was living with my sister and her boys and it just wasn't healthy or stable or safe for my nephews. So instead of accepting the help that we tried to give her, our mom cut us off. Or maybe we cut her off. We're all bull-headed, but nonetheless, we haven't spoken to our mom once in 2009.
• Not too long after, we found out that J's (maternal) grandpa has cancer. He is the sweetest man; I admire him and his relationship with his daughters so much. I wish I had a dad like him. He has been a trooper through his treatments, and so far things are looking okay...but he is 80+.
• The day Grandpa finished his chemo, J's (paternal) grandma started hers. She was also diagnosed with cancer this year. She is also over 80 and the chemo seems to be taking more of a toll on her, but she's also a trooper and we're hoping she can pull through this as well.
• After all of that, we lost our sweet baby.

So yes, 2009 has not been good to us. 2010 can ONLY get better. We had a lot of good things happen this year, but they are far outweighed by the bad.

Mostly, I have learned a lot toward the end of this year about my family and friends. When we announced our pgcy, I can't tell you how overwhelmed with love and excitement our friends and close family were. We got cards, and letters and emails and voicemails expressing their love for our baby and their excitement for us. Similarly, when we lost the baby, we received just as much love and support.

But you know what was missing? A simple phone call/letter/email/card from either of my parents. Talk about shit for parents! I can only relate the unconditional love that I have for my nephews to what a parent might feel, and based on how much I loved my baby, I can only imagine that it is even more. I can't fathom my nephews hurting in any way without knowing 100% that I am there for them, that I love them, that they mean the world to me. My baby died. My fucking BABY DIED and neither of my parents had the decency to even call or reach out. What kind of human being doesn't have enough love for their own child to simply reach out and let them know that they are loved? As much as I hate the name of my blog, if you remember THIS post where I explained why I chose to call it Unquestionable Love, it only rings more true now. Except that I can't say for sure that my parents ever really have loved me. I had a good childhood because of 2 wonderful granparents and an amazing sister.

But like Oprah always says, "When you know better, you DO better." And I will do so much better!! I will be an amazing parent, wife, sister, auntie, employee, friend, daughter in-law. I am ready for the new year and sincerely hope that it brings better things. It seemed to be a pretty shitty year for a lot of my fellow bloggers, so here's to a better year this year. I am holding out hope that I might still have a baby in 2010...maybe, just maybe.